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Whenever my children leave I always feel this desolation come over my heart. I know our dog Sam feels it too. As the girls arrived home for Christmas, he just kept jumping for JOY around the living room. As they were preparing to leave the other day, he kept looking at me with this questioning look on his little mug…”Where are they going???”
I didn’t understand how difficult this part of Mothering was going to be.
It is like they just walked out the door with this huge portion of my heart tucked in their backpacks.
We were able to have several spiritual heart to heart chats while they were home and I think it helped them to understand me better. Those talks always seem to knit us together tighter. It is pure joy to go from being a Mom of teens, who supervises curfews and friends and rules to go to being a mom to adult children who is now “Friend”, who is just there to listen and share in the joy of each developmental milestone.
I love my daughters with my whole heart.
Paul purchased Sarahs Key, the book, for me for christmas. I noted how much I loved the movie in this blog post.
As I have been slowly digesting this book these past few weeks, I feel the same overwhelm of love that I felt while watching the movie.
This book was so thoughtfully written, and the story of the adulterous husband who wants his wife to abort because he does not want to be an “old father” really touched a nerve. Not that my husband would ever say to me, “it’s me or the baby” as the husband did in this book/movie, but if I had understood how passionate my own husband would feel about not having babies into his “old age”, I may have looked for a life partner more my own age.
Paul is nine years older than me and is now well into his fifties.
He has been extremely traumatized by the life events we have shared together and so I give him a ton of credit for the faith leap that having our five children placed upon his shoulders.
When I lost my mind in 1989 after the birth of our first daughter, we did not know if we would be able to have any more children. Paul confided in me that he wanted to run away from home many times the year that I was doped up on psychiatric meds and he was married to a stepford wife. (I was on a cocktail of several drugs – Lithium, Stelazine, Prozac, and Haldol – that left me in a permanent fog of disability and numbed out nothingness) During the past 23 years it has been a consistent faith walk to search out our hearts and decide how much we could handle as parents.
When I was expecting Ben in 2002 Rusty Yates was being hammered in the media as the source of his wifes psychosis. Andrea murdered her five children while in the throes of post partum psychosis. Many of us in the psychiatric survivor movement believe it was the anti depressant she was taking that was the source of this homicidal rampage.
Paul was deeply affected by this incident and the similarities between our two families was striking. I was homeschooling, had four older children, was pregnant with number five, we are deeply religious, live in a small home, and had a former psychotic episode after a birth.
Dr. Bob Scaer MD of Boulder connects post partum psychosis to Father/Daughter rape. I had no conscious memory of being sexually assaulted by my Dad until five years ago. But the symptoms, including psychosis in 1989, have been constant. I have struggled with a variety of emotional and physical symptoms for my whole life. I was finally properly diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress ten years ago, and have been working with a variety of healers and healing modalities to recover from the incest and rape that defined my childhood. I also had a layering of trauma when I was gang raped in the Michigan state mental hospital by four orderlies when I was admitted in a psychotic state in 1989.
I continue to have memories of being sexually assaulted and as each incident presents in my conscious mind, it is like it just happened yesterday and so I have to slowly process out the feelings and emotions buried by my childhood brain. I find myself often in a childlike state of mind while moving the memory through my system. The holidays are a key time for me to process as that was when the majority of the assaults took place during my childhood.
As another layer of trauma moved through my body and mind these past few weeks during the Thanksgiving and Christmas holiday, I found myself in varying states of emotional distress. On a particularly difficult day I watched Sarahs Key, the movie, and in the movie a mother commits suicide leaving a nine year old child motherless. My son Ben is nine and as I watched the movie I felt the power of the story just wash over me. I have struggled with suicidal thoughts since I was fifteen, and although I have never made an attempt, I have been hospitalized for it twice.
During Thanksgiving week I was processing out some terrible memories alone, and while I don’t believe I would ever do it, the fact that it was on my mind in a big way was troubling. I did not have anyone to talk to, and felt overwhelmed by the emotions. One of the big fears for us as survivors is that the “treatment” will be worse than what we are experiencing. For me that has been the case many times when I confided in someone what I was feeling. The overreaction from those around me caused more trauma than if I had just kept my thoughts to myself and so I have learned to be very circumspect about who I share my innermost feelings with.
When in the throes of panic and overwhelm it is often easy to over share with professionals. I stopped seeing therapists a few years ago because I did not want to waste one more second of my time or money. It felt like I was giving my abusers additional power over my life by giving in and going to talk to someone. I am NOT knocking therapy. The people I worked with ten years ago were CRUCIAL to helping me and Paul to begin working through this process and I don’t regret one dollar spent as we started down this path. But after spending tens of thousands of dollars on a variety of healing systems, it became apparent that trying to speed the healing process by spending more and more money was not going to work.
The main reason I wanted to hurry things along was because I wanted to have another baby.
I was unprepared for several additional traumas that set me back physically and emotionally. Traumas and blowback tied to my internet work and political activism.
(Click here to listen to a VIDEO testimonial about the attacks which have taken place)
Traumas that have left me on deaths door over and over these past six years. All of this trauma mixed together has left me feeling like an emotional basket case. Again, I don’t blame Paul, our life is what it is, and I am daily grateful for the blessing of being a mother to each of our five children. I love all of them with my whole heart and praise God for the gift and blessing of having them in my life.
I am curious to see what a pregnancy would be like with no trauma rolling through my body. I know I may have to wait until I get my Celestial Body to have this experience, but I long to welcome another baby into our home now. Along with the portions of my life that have been stolen by evil people intent on causing me damage and harm, I feel like my “really big family” which I had planned and prepared to have for my whole life has also been “stolen” away from me.
I suppose this is the reason why Sarahs Key resonated so much in my mind at this time. It wasn’t just the story of a suicidal mother that triggered so much in my heart. Watching the movie three times during Thanksgiving week was the PERFECT reminder of the consequences to my little boy if I decided to leave this earth life early. It was also the story of the mother who left her husband in order to give birth to a beautiful baby that moved me in ways that overwhelm and comfort my heart.
Women will go to extremes in order to protect and give life. I don’t plan to leave my husband in order to have more children. Five is enough for me and for us. But I can understand why a woman would be willing to throw a marriage down the tubes if her husband was pressuring her to have an abortion.
At this point I can hardly envision a world where as Isaiah predicted, “None shall hurt nor destroy“, but I can see it from a distance. We are quickly approaching the time when those who hurt children will never be able to get away with what they have in the past. All of these sexual abuse scandals that are coming out are proof that our world is moving towards a time when those who have placed themselves in a position of trust and are able to destroy the lives of innocents will be caught, held accountable, and then locked away from society.
It is an exciting thing to consider…
“Two days ago, The MOTHERS Act and several other dangerous psych programs passed the house after being stuck in the 2400 page Senate Health Care Bill. Today, President Obama, a former co-sponsor of The MOTHERS Act in the Senate, signed the bill into law.
Two years and two months ago Dr. Ann Blake Tracy, Camille Milke and I, as heads of CHAADA, UNITE, COPES and ICFDA collaborated on a press release to be sent to the public, media and Congress regarding our opposition to The MOTHERS Act. We created a petition and within days we had hundreds of signatures from around the country. I spent the next two months calling people all day and sending emails, writing press releases and trying to update my website with the numerous radio shows where we would spread the word about the fight to save America’s mothers from an invasive government screening program.
Here is a reminder about what we were fighting and what we eventually killed in the Senate’s “Coburn” Omnibus, only to see it later re-introduced in the 111th Congress without the exact same screening provisions:
Information on Previous Versions of The MOTHERS Act: A previous version of this bill was steamrolling through Congress [this is the one for which the preamble stated that mothers “shall be screened” – which could be interpreted as mandatory screening for all moms], and did not pass due to valid problems in the bill including the fact that it called on using a method of “screening” pregnant women and new mothers called EPDS, a screening method documented to triple the number of women diagnosed with Post partum depression, according to a study published in Obstecrics & Gynecology. The Scandinavian Journal of Public Health stated that EPDS screening was unethical and should not be used. None of the proponents of the bill (many with pharmaceutical backing and funding) had objections whatsoever to endorsing such an unethical screening tool, and this bill would have passed with no objections from them, if not for the dedication of those groups that have no vested interests (ties to Pharma) opposing this bill that would certainly have lead to an increase of women being put on dangerous antidepressant and other psychiatric drugs to “treat” them. At best, those who supported this bill failed completely in their lack of due diligence on what they were promoting for new mothers, and for the psycho/pharma industry funded groups that supported it, their interests were clear.
What I soon found out is that Goliath was very frightened of our coalition. So they sent in their own wolf pack in the form of a few disgruntled mothers who presumed that they would successfully intimidate us into giving up. But we never did. Despite hurtful and hateful comments, personal attacks and lies, we continued on, growing our coalition to 54 national groups, over 13,250 public signatures and over 3,000 Facebook members. It’s difficult to count all of our supporters since word spreads fast online and people sometimes don’t even know where to find links to sign the petition even though they have written or called Congress.
I can’t even calculate the amount of money my husband spent on press releases, flights to DC, or the amount I have spent on incidentals just working to stop The MOTHERS Act. Countless radio shows and magazine, newspaper and TV interviews later, here we are in 2010 with The MOTHERS Act slipped into the Health Care Bill and passed with carte blanche approval from Democrats in the House after a tough fight in the Senate.
I find it ironic and funny to read on Katherine Stone’s and Susan Stone’s blogs a few posts congratulating each other for a job well done. All told several people are listed as getting all the credit for passing a bill that died every year in Congress for six years before passing the house in 2007 and being killed by our coalition in 2008. As you know, when the House of Reps passes something, sometimes all that they do is announce the name of the bill and its stated purpose and vote. Nobody wants to vote against something titled “The MOTHERS Act” though in reality it should be called “The Pharmaceutical Companies’ Dream For America Act” or maybe “The Axe The Mothers and Babies Act.”
When I started out this fight I had faith in the American system of government and thought that Democrats would never support this bill if they knew what it was all about. But it turned out that I started to realize I could not stick with one political side and trust that they could do the right thing if they knew about it, because it all comes down to pharmaceutical money and campaign contributions.
I remember spending days doing research on the front groups supporting the bill and the reps who voted for it and the reps and senators who co-sponsored it and coming to the conclusion that I was digging myself access to an endless rabbit hole. I gave up and published a press release that listed miniscule preliminary numbers of dollar amounts of all the people from Postpartum Support International I could find who had been awarded money by pHARMa or who worked on their speaker’s bureuas for pharmaceutical companies. Then I looked in the Eli Lilly tooth fairy documents for the front groups supporting the act and how much they had taken from pharma.
It would take all day to come up with a list of everyone I’ve written about over the past two years who supported this who took money from pHARMa. It took up so much time and effort on my part and despite my finds and leads, it seemed like it was a task too big for just me.
Then there was Evelyn Pringle, coming to save the day. That woman could take down the Trojan Horse if she wanted to, single-handedly. Probably a dozen articles later, everyone from coast to coast involved in the reproductive psychiatry scam trying to push this bill had been exposed.
But they just move on continuing to maim and kill babies as though nothing ever happened and many are probably still raking in NIH funding for doing so.
While sitting in a meeting in the US Senate office buildings last year I was fortunate to get to hear read to me a letter from the APA which they had sent to Congress to dispute our issues with The MOTHERS Act. That would be the American Psychiatric Association.
That’s right – The American Psychiatric Association takes the initiative to defend the program. Not PSI or Menendez or the DBSA or whoever but the APA. The group that was so extensively exposed recently that they had to cut back on the amount of pHARMa funding that they would accept to attempt to regain credibility.
But I just wanted to mention to those of you who are out there frustrated by this thing, that we were up against amazing odds. Katherine Stone and Susan Stone forgot to mention a few of the people who helped them out (just a few). So let’s just give a run down of many more of those who pushed for the bill and could have contributed to getting The MOTHERS Act put into the Health Care bill because it obviously was going nowhere on its own.
(Here is a link to the original article exposing the fact that between $13,095,010 – $16,487,497 in pHARMa dollars were paid to MOTHERS Act pushers in recent yearshttp://momsandmeds.wordpress.com/2009/06/02/pharmapaysmasupporters/and all quotes below were taken from that article. The research was based on the series of MOTHERS Act articles written by Evelyn Pringle.)
Pfizer (paid Katherine Stone at least $5,000 via a $20,000 gift to MHA, another front group, for reproductive psychiatry lectures to moms, and Pfizer also paid off many of the other front groups mentioned below)
The most troubling donation to this Mothers Act supporter is a $20,000 Pfizer grant to a Georgia group to fund: Project Healthy Moms: Education for Prevention/Treatment for Perinatal Depression Disorders, which apparently ended up, at least in part, in the pocketbook of Katherine Stone.
The Georgia group’s June 8, 2008 e-news said the grant was for: “Project Healthy Moms: What You Need To Know About Perinatal Mood Disorders.”
The $20,000 funded 1-hour speaking events with Katherine, “aimed at educating practitioners and the general public throughout Georgia about prevention of and treatment for such illnesses as ante partum depression, postpartum depression, postpartum anxiety/OCD and postpartum psychosis,” the newsletter said.
Katherine was described as a “former postpartum OCD sufferer and author of Postpartum Progress, the most widely-read blog in the United States on postpartum mood disorders.”
E-news said attendees would learn: “One size does NOT fit all: Why postpartum depression is just part of a spectrum of mood disorders women may experience & what to look for.”
The newsletter only listed 5 scheduled events but told readers to contact Katherine directly by email or phone to schedule more. E-news did acknowledge that: “This special hour of learning is made possible by a grant from Pfizer,” but listed no amount.
Eli Lilly (paid leaders within PSI, Mary Jo Codey, Margaret Spinelli & Diana Barnes awards to be given to their favorite nonprofit.)
Forest
AstraZeneca
APA – over $62 million from pHARMa in 2006. In addition:
Lilly gave the American Psychiatric Association grants worth more than $600,000 in both the first and second quarters of 2008. In 2007, the group received over $400,000 from Lilly. The drug maker gave roughly $450,000 more to the American Psychiatric Foundation for the APA fellowship program. Pfizer donated more than $700,000 to the “non-profit” APA in 2008.
Screening for Mental Health
The front groups team up with a “non-profit” called “Screening for Mental Health,” to carry out mental illness screening days all over the country every year. Their websites also provide live links to internet screening programs set up by this firm.
Up to 2008, the SMH had received close to $5 million from drug companies. Lilly gave the firm $124,000 in 2007 and $100,000 in 2008.
Sherri Lusskin (involved with the leadership in PSI – reproductive psychiatrist on the speaker’s bureau for four pHARMaceutical companies)
NAMI – One of the biggest pHARMa front groups of all time. At least 56% of funding comes from pHARMa, probably more.
NAMI’s annual reports list about every drug company on the planet as a corporate partner without specifying how much each donated. But the grant reports of Lilly and Pfizer for 2007 and 2008 show NAMI groups received millions of dollars from those two drug makers alone.
In the fourth quarter of 2008, Pfizer gave NAMI a grant of $132,000 to fund a campaign that best describes the drug maker’s goal called the “Campaign for the Mind of America.” In the third quarter, Pfizer doled out another $225,000 to fund the same campaign.
Lilly is also funding the Campaign for the Mind, with grants of $450,000 in both 2007 and 2008. Lilly also provides extra funding to NAMI groups all over the country for the “Walk for the Mind of America.” In 2007, walking money totaled $17,000 in the first quarter, $11,500 in the second, and $13,000 for the third and fourth combined. In 2008, Lilly’s “Walk for the Mind” quarterly totals were $11,500, $24,000, $12,500 and $2,000.
In 2007, NAMI presented a $50,000 “Mind of America Scientific Research Award” to Dr A John Rush. He also landed on the Grassley hit list last fall for not disclosing drug company money to the University of Texas.
On April 6, 2009, Senator Grassley sent a letter to NAMI asking for the disclosure of all funding from drug makers and industry created foundations over the past few years.
DBSA – This group sponsored the CapWiz software link for sending private letters to Congress to support The MOTHERS Act, which Susan Stone directed people to sign and called a “petition.”
The Depression and Bipolar Support Alliance received $37,510 from Lilly in 2007 and $20,000 in 2008. This group provides live links to form letters that can be filled in and sent to Congress members asking them to vote for the Mother’s Act. The two Stone gals provide links to the Mothers Act alerts put out by the Alliance on their websites.
The group’s 2007 Annual Report shows this non-profit received between $150,000 and $499,000 from AstraZeneca, Pfizer, and Wyeth. Abbott, Cyberonics, Lilly, Forest, Glaxo, Organon, and Otsuka American Pharmaceuticals gave between $10,000 and $149,999.
The report also notes that a “First-ever DBSA Hope Award” for lifetime achievement was presented to Frederick Goodwin. Back in August 2002, the speakers at the annual conference of the Alliance included three stars from the Grassley hit list, Goodwin, Nemeroff and Joseph Beiderman.
The ACOG -In 2008, Lilly gave the American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists $16,000, and a $2,000 donation was made in the third quarter of 2007.
The National Council for Community Behavioral Healthcare – described as “a non-profit association representing 1,300 mental health and addictions treatment and rehabilitation organizations,” on its website. This gang received $200,000 from Lilly in the first quarter of 2008, and another $215,000 in the fourth quarter.
Charles Nemeroff, SPAN USA and AFSP
Mother’s Act supporter, Suicide Prevention Action Network USA, has merged with the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention, according to a November 6, 2008 press release announcement.
A year earlier, Emory University reported that Charles Nemeroff had been elected president of the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention and would begin serving his three-year tenure in January 2008.
Emory’s press release noted that Nemeroff had served on the AFSP’s national board of directors since 1999 and had “been a member of the Foundation’s Scientific Council for more than 10 years and was named chair of the Council in 2007.”
In about the same time frame between 2000 and 2007, Senator Charles Grassley’s Senate Finance Committee investigation found that Nemeroff had earned more than $2.8 million from drug companies, but failed to disclose at least $1.2 million to Emory.
…
Lilly’s 2008 grant report shows the Suicide Prevention Action Network USA received one $10,000 grant and another $70,000 grant. The American Foundation for Suicide Prevention also received three grants worth $78,000.
Lilly’s 2007 report shows the Action Network received $10,000 in one quarter and $70,000 in another. The Foundation got $25,000 in 2007. The 2004 spring issue of USA’s Network News reports that: “Network News is funded by a grant from the Eli Lilly and Company Foundation.”
The Summer 2005 Network News noted that “Donations Sustain SPAN USA.”
The donor list shows Pfizer gave over $10,000. The group received more than $1,000 from Bristol-Meyers, Janssen, and Novartis. Forest Pharmaceuticals gave over $500.
The 2006 Spring Network News announced the “Friend for Life” sponsors. Forest and the industry’s trade group, PhRMA donated over $15,000. Pfizer gave between $10,000 and $14,999. Solvay was listed as giving between $6,000 and $9,999 and companies that gave between $2,000 and $5,999 were AstraZeneca and Bristol-Myers. J&J, Lilly and Novartis each donated between $500 and $1,999.
Mental Health America
Mental Health America groups also received millions of dollars from Pfizer and Lilly alone in 2007 and 2008. This group runs a “Campaign for America’s Mental Health” and received grants of $200,000 and $300,000 in 2008 from Pfizer to fund it. Lilly gave $300,000 to fund this Campaign in 2007.
MHA’s 2006 annual report shows the group received over $1 million each from Lilly, Bristol-Myers, and Wyeth. Janssen and Pfizer gave between $500,000 and $1,000,000, and AstraZeneca and Forest donated between $100,000 and $499,000. Glaxo gave between $50,000 and $100,000 in 2006.
The Children’s Defense Fund received a grant for $125,000 in 2003 from the Robert Wood Johnson Foundation. The March of Dimes got $6,500 from Pfizer in 2008, and the National Association of Social Workers also received $7,500 from Pfizer.
And I can recall reading / writing about even the ACNM, Massachusetts General Hospital and others getting funding from pHARMa and the Healthy Mothers Healthy Babies Coalition (Susan Stone is a board member) being sponsored by several pHARMaceutical companies. The list just goes on and on, so I’ll just add this:
Et cetera
Lest we forget the saddest groups to support the bill, NARAL, Planned Parenthood and Guttmacher, whose obvious conflicts of interest here would be the fact that more moms are going to be choosing to terminate pregnancies when they become pregnant on antidepressants and other drugs due to the risk to the baby of death via miscarriage, birth defects, SIDS, stillbirth et cetera. And even if moms don’t choose abortion, more babies will still die with the implementation of perinatal disease mongering. I would expect groups like those to be a little more careful about the messages that they send because all it looks like here is that they are asking us to show them the money.
So congratulations Goliath, together you did it. And you even got your pregnancy and depression screening funding back in there thanks to Barbara Mikulski’s vague screening amendment. All those laundered dollars are a small price for you to pay considering the harm you do and will continue to do via the government-sanctioned marketing of reproductive psychiatry.
Time to pray for all OBGYNS, midwives and doulas that they will wake up and start protecting vulnerable moms from the wolves trying to prey on their lives and their babies’ lives. But until that happens we plan to reach out and do our part to make sure as many moms as possible are given the opportunity for informed consent so that they can save their children and themselves.”
“As shown by the explicit criticism of drug companies by the authors of the recent JAMA paper, more and more scientists believe it is time to abandon the “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy of not digging too deeply into the reasons for the effectiveness of antidepressants. Maybe it is time to pull back the curtain and see the wizard for what he is. As for Kirsch, he insists that it is important to know that much of the benefit of antidepressants is a placebo effect. If placebos can make people better, then depression can be treated without drugs that come with serious side effects, not to mention costs. Wider recognition that antidepressants are a pharmaceutical version of the emperor’s new clothes, he says, might spur patients to try other treatments. “Isn’t it more important to know the truth?” he asks. Based on the impact of his work so far, it’s hard to avoid answering, “Not to many people.”
It is time for these drugs to be pulled from the market and all manufacturing world wide to STOP! Jenny Hatch