I’ve decided to write a final wrap up of my thoughts for the day, every day. This is a difficult time for me to write. I am generally surrounded by my family, as I am now, with a multitude of distractions (even as I was booting up the computer and waiting for movable type to load, I had two interuptions). Sometimes I feel like my writing is really bad, but so often it is just because I am distracted and simply don’t have time to edit, and re-edit and re-edit to get it where I would like it to be.
If you would like to read some things that I have re-edited and written to the point where I really feel happy with what was on the page, please read one of my books, or some of the columns at my web site. For this Blog, and especially for these nightly wrap ups of the day, I will write quickly and just share what is in my heart. Without worrying too much about spelling, grammer, and word usage.
Paul and I went to the Denver Temple on friday night. It was such a sacred experience, as it always is. I have been struggling with my health these past few weeks, and on friday was not much better. I told him that I wanted to take a nap on friday afternoon, and when I woke up, I would let him know if I was well enough to attend the temple.
So often these sorts of things are tied to spiritual warfare. I am convinced Satan will stop at nothing to keep the saints out of the temple and physical ill health is surely one of the ways he distracts us from doing what is right. While I was sleeping I had a dream, and I just knew that I had to go to the temple no matter what and participate in the prayer circle. Father in Heaven let me know that great healing would be mine if I took the time and effort to attend the temple.
And it was! I felt the spirit wash over me as I participated in the endowment session, and especially during prayer, so that by the time we were finished I felt a lightness in my heart and a wholeness to my being that was tangible and significant.
These past few years I have been working through some serious trauma that I experienced during my childhood and early adult life. The tender mercies of the Lord have been made manifest over and over during this time in a variety of ways. Once during my pregnancy with Ben, I was processing out some pain from being sexually assaulted, and I was so frustrated that it was taking so long. In absolute frustration I called out to God and asked him to just bring it all up….NOW, so that I could just be over it and move on to bigger and better things in my life.
I had the direct impression from the Lord that if I were to have all of the distress manifest at once, that I would not be able to handle it and more importantly, my baby would not be able to handle it, and would probably miscarry. From that experience I learned patience and trust in my Father in Heaven, that he would help me through the traumas and completely heal me.
These past few months I felt the familiar feelings of more junk bubbling to the surface of my being. Lots of physical distress, some depression, and fleeting images and sensations. To call it a “Memory” is such a dis-service to what it is. When one hears the words memory, they think of the video of their fifth birthday playing on a screen. Sexual abuse memories are so much more and are encompassed and defined by a whole host of sensations, images, and feelings.
I suppose what has surprised me the most in this healing is simply that Heavenly Father keeps his promises. In the scriptures he has promised that he will not allow us to bear more trials than we are able to carry. Sometimes he has carried me to the very depths of my being in terms of capacity as I have moved down this healing path. But he has never allowed me to experience more than I was able to, and he has allowed me to be enabled to live my life and take care of my family, while moving ahead with the healing. I have had days, weeks, and months where I did not even think about the traumas and abuse. During these busy seasons, he knew I just could not deal with it, and so I believe he helped me to suppress it a little bit so that I could do my life.
At other times he opened up windows of opportunity where I could move through and heal the damaged parts of my soul without being completely incapacitated. As I look back on these seventeen years of life, I can see the patterns and the grace of his wisdom in allowing me to heal a piece at a time. At this time I also have to acknowledge the love and patience of my husband as he has been a loving and supportive companion to help me through this time. Paul is a true saint, and I will be forever grateful that he was willing to stand by me during the dark days and the difficult times of our marriage. As in all marriages, we have had a couple of extremely difficult and overwhelming days. Living through experiences that left us numb and void of feeling because we were so overwhelmed by what we had felt.
I was violently raped about a year after we were married. I had no memory of this experience until twelve years later. Yet it cast a pall over our lives and left us reeling at times so badly that all we could do was cry out to Father in Heaven for relief from the emotional pain. During these years we experienced enough light and love with our children being born and the hope and joy they brought into our home, that we were able to hold our marriage together and keep the faith. But it was not easy.
When those memories started to surface a couple years ago, I told Paul what I was remembering and he simply wept. Then he expressed his deep sorrow, and that was enough. He knew he could not fix those damaged places in my soul, only God could do that, but his acceptance and love before and after my memories surfaced allowed me to let the Lord heal me in his own way and time.
Why write about this now? Well, I believe with the healing I experienced friday night at the temple that I have finally purged the last of the trauma out of my psyche. Time will tell if this is the case, but I feel different. I feel whole, peaceful, and at rest. The fire of agitation that has burned in my heart for my whole life has gone down to a low flame. I woke up on saturday morning refreshed, happy, hungry, and filled with good humor and light.
My lungs are clear and I feel so happy to be alive. It is such a blessing to take a full breath and feel the oxygen filling my cells up with healing energy.
In class this morning as we talked about the Atonement, the spirit was so strong. I just felt the love of the savior wash over me during the class as we talked about what his sacrifice meant to all of humanity. And as I listened to the testimonies of the good people of my ward, and then went to choir practice and sang the amazing Easter music that we are preparing for our Easter program, again, I felt the Love of Jesus Christ wash over me. How great is His Wisdom and His Love as he works to heal us as individuals, families, and nations. In his own perfect timing he pulls us out of the depths of darkness that we may find ourselves in, often through no fault of our own, and he gives us comfort and peace.
I would be so remiss if I did not publicly acknowledge the vital roll he has played in my life thus far. And on this day, this perfect day, when I have felt his spirit over and over and over again, I just want to shout out to anyone who is listening, “I know that my redeemer lives!”
I plan to use this nightly blogging to share the spiritual things of my heart at the close of each day. Thanks for listening.
Jenny Hatch